Workshop Comments

Austin:

Austin, I love this piece.  Even though you are not yet finished, your idea is clear and concise.  I especially enjoyed your fourth paragraph, the one in which you described Mr. Perfect.  The detail you used in this paragraph was very strong, and really gives the reader a clear view and perspective of what you are thinking.   The only thing I can says is to change up/strengthen your ending, but you said that you are not yet finished.  Great work so far though, I really enjoyed reading your piece!

 

Mae, Panicked:

Mae, your piece really struck home with me.  Although I do not suffer from anxiety as much as you do, I can definitely sympathize, especially with the second half of your essay.  Your “During the so called ’best times of my life,’….” paragraph, the same thing happened to me, about not sleeping and getting sick.  This is such an interesting topic, and I think a lot of people-ESPECIALLY college students-can relate.  Maybe, in order to strengthen your idea from the start, you could alter your lede, maybe by starting with either the panic attack experienced by your sister, or the one by your mother.  Great work though!

 

Regis, How I Got Robbed Twice in One Week:

Regis, for starters, I really like your title.  Even though it is simple and to the point, it pushed across a sense of conflict that made me want to read more!

I really enjoy your idea and story.  Maybe expand a little bit on the potential dangers of Panama, like how you mentioned that cars were mostly used to illegal activities like kidnappings and trafficking.  In the end, you also brought up how Panama was not the same as you had left it.  In the beginning, maybe put an anecdote about the Panama you had remembered, and demonstrate the difference using your stories about being robbed.

Also, be careful with the punctuation.  Adding things like commas would make your piece much more clear and concise.  Aside from that, great job, and I can’t wait to read your piece as a finished product!

 

Jackie, Young Hearts Run Free: Self Preservation Is What’s Really Going On Today

Jackie, I really really enjoyed reading this.  You were very clear, very concise, and to the point, and your detail made me want to keep reading.  You explained your feelings so vividly and so well, which made your piece relatable-it made the reader feel like a part of your experience, and I felt like I understood where you were coming from.  The only change I can think of adding is at the end.  I would tie in something about your parents relationship again, how you felt about the completion of the conference, something that would add closure to all of the intense feelings you described in your piece. 

Toni, White bread: the new spilled milk:

Toni, this is great.  I really like how you incorporated dialogue into your piece, because it added to your voice, to detail, and enhanced your anecdotes.  At the end, I also like how you showed that your story relates to many others in our generation-reading through, I bet a lot of people would be able to nod their heads at certain parts and acknowledge what you were saying as truth.  I also think that tying in another article from the New York Times gave your piece a whole new level of credibility-even though your story is credible and legitimate enough, there is actual fact and study that backs it up.  That being said, I was a little bit confused as to the transition you went through mentally from the beginning of your piece to the very end.  However, I really like how you showed your experiences through examples.  This is definitely something I need to add into my piece.  Great job though.

 

Martin, Hospital Birthday:

Martin, you are such an excellent writer.  I found your attitude to be ironic, something that really kept me engaged in your piece.  You managed to find some positives to a seemingly negative subject, such as how you still actually kind of liked the smell of hospitals. I also really like how you went further into your topic.  In the last paragraph, you mention how thirty minutes ago, you had called your mother.  It provided a sense of closure to your piece, something that brought your past experiences through to the present.  Some of your sentences were a bit wordy, which you can maybe change up a bit, but aside from that your piece was fantastically written, and I really enjoyed reading it.

 

Elizabeth, Engaged? Stumbling Upon the Mrs. Degree at K College:

Elizabeth, congratulations!! I can see through your writing the struggle here.  You incorporate a lot of themes in your piece, and I feel that if you maybe concentrated on a few instead of more, your piece can really be strengthened.  I really like how you talked about generational differences and included your mother’s and grandmother’s views on the institution of marriage- this gives a larger perspective, and shows how your thoughts differ and reflect those of a generation.  Overall, I really enjoyed your piece, but maybe by narrowing your themes it can be stronger.