Not Like the Movies

I have seen the movies, read the books, and watched the television shows that attempted to depict what high school was supposed to be like-the awkward relationships, less than brilliant decisions, and strong friendships that were supposedly built to last a lifetime.  Students in these superfluous stories of entertainment do not paint an accurate picture of high school-twenty-three year old looking students focus on the drama of their lives, attend school, and seemingly have no work to do.  As expected, Hollywood could not prepare me for what life at St. Ignatius College Prep would throw in my direction. 

Throughout my life I have been afraid of failure, and would much rather sacrifice my mental sanity than fail in the never-ending quest for perfection.  In my junior year at St. Ignatius College Prep, this character trait would catch up with me and put me through personal hell.

Before school started, I made one of those expected and less than brilliant decisions and decided to do a back flip on my friend Liza’s larger than life trampoline.  Fast forward a day later, and the pain in my lower back made is nearly impossible to walk, sit down, turn, or do any basic function.  As luck would have it, this was the first day of junior year.  I pushed through the first day, my back progressively in more pain as the day went on.  The next day I went to school, and ended up going home after homeroom because walking caused excruciating pain.  This continued for two days, and I finally went to see the doctor.  X-rays, MRIs, and CT scans were done, and my doctors concluded that I had a herniated disc in my lower back.  Basically, the disc in my back had flattened out to the point where it was pushing other muscles and causing spasms. 

This was awful news.  Not only did it mean that I would have to stop horseback riding and potentially sell my horse, which is a huge passion of mine, but it also meant that I would possibly need surgery on my back.  By this point, I had missed a week and a half of school.  I sacrificed my health and sleep in order to make up my missed assignments, which made my immune system practically worthless.  I continuously caught various viruses and illnesses, all back to back, which made attending my classes difficult.  The first semester of the year, I had around fifty absences. 

Then I contracted a cough.  This cough lasted weeks, maybe even months.  Still trying to stay on top of my schoolwork, I pulled all-nighters just doing homework, and only sleeping during the short naps I would take when I arrived home from school.  Teachers would send me home half way through the day because I would try to get through school with maybe one hour of sleep, and they wanted me to put my health ahead of my academics.  Even though my teachers were all understanding and told me to complete assignments at my leisure, I still worked myself to the core.  Panic attacks ensued, and the stress I was experiencing was consuming my every thought.

I did not think that the level of stress and pressure I was experiencing was possible.  I tried to stop.  I tried to listen to the people closest to me. I tried to let go of it all, to relax and get through only what was possible while simultaneously taking care of myself.  I couldn’t do it-I was weeks behind on homework, had numerous tests to make up, and a negative amount of energy to pull motivation from.  Halfway through the second semester, my parents and I scheduled a meeting with the Vice Principal of Academics, Brendan Conroy. During the meeting, we discussed how I had already missed fifty days of the semester, and that if I continued, it would be very difficult for me to catch up, and my GPA would suffer.  The decision was made that I would drop the current semester, take care of my health, and then carry on from there.  Instead of attending school, home schooling presented itself as an option.  When that did not work out, I told myself that I would graduate on time, with my class, no matter what. 

Dropping second semester was more difficult for me to rebound from than it should have been.  I felt like a quitter, a failure, and weak.  Why couldn’t I make it through?  Why couldn’t I get better? It was difficult for me to give up and take care of myself like I was being forced to because I did not want to be an exception to rules, and I wanted to prove to myself and to others that I was strong enough to make it through.   At the lowest low I have ever felt, I refused to accept the fact that I may not be able to graduate with my friends, and promised myself that I would do whatever it took in order to walk the stage in June 2008. 

Completely demoralized, I worked with the school and decided to take on an independent study in Spanish, which fulfilled my requirement for graduation.  Over the summer, I took a chemistry course at my community college, and rearranged my schedule for the next year.  Even though I was placed in two junior classes and had to graduate without an Honors Diploma, on June 6, 2008, I walked with my high school class on the scheduled graduation date. 

Graduation was more of a celebration or relief than anyone could imagine.  I had made it, accomplished my goal, and proved to myself that I was capable.  This whole experience made me a stronger person, and showed me that I could get through anything life threw at me.  By being at the lowest point I have ever been it, I was forced to crawl out of it.  Junior year was a crucial year for colleges, and I was afraid that my absences would negatively impact my chances of being accepted to a good school.  Throughout the application process, I realized that everything that happened had somehow turned into a positive experience.  I learned more about myself in that year than I had in the previous seventeen years of my life, and the empowerment I earned from getting through it made it an experience that I will never take for granted.